One Great Hindrance To Spiritual And Emotional Health

At our recent Missional Association lunch our church planters were discussing the critical need for pastors to have friends who will hold them accountable.  A fellow pastor shared how he was meeting regularly with a small group of fellow pastors they called "holy friends". This group's definition of a holy friend was really poignant. 

"A Holy friend is someone who challenges the sins we've grown to love, affirms the gifts we're afraid to claim and helps us dream the dreams we could not otherwise dream."

Wouldn't it be great if we all had a friend or group of friends that would do this!  How much healthier would we all be?

I believe the lack of "holy friends" in a Christian's life is one of the greatest hindrances to a spiritually and emotionally vibrant life. Men tend to have this void more than women. Men usually form friendships based on activities. Our conversations usually consist of sports, politics, family and sometimes religion. But seldom do men get to a level below the surface conversations. I admit it is very difficult to share your weaknesses and failures to another. And yet we all need a friend or friends with whom we can declare our aspirations, disclose where we struggle and divulge our fears. We all need "holy friends". "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another" Prov. 27:17. To be spiritually mature we need comrades with whom we can be real and honest, guys we can trust, who will pray for us, who won't condemn or gossip but lift us up and encourage us to be more like Christ. 

The Bible emphasizes how critical relationships are to each member of the body of Christ. The term "one another" is only one word in Greek and is used 100 times in 94 New Testament verses. Galatians 6:2 counsels us to bear one another's burdens. Ephesians 4:25 admonishes us to speak truth to one another.  Colossians 3:9 instructs not to lie to one another and 1 Thessalonians 5:11 exhorts us to encourage and build up one another.  James 5:16 exhorts us to pray for one another.  Spiritual maturity is best achieved through relationships.

Pastors have a unique dilemma in this regard because they find opening their life up to church members a dangerous proposition. Unless a pastor has close friends outside of his church or a group of fellow pastors he meets with, he can find himself all alone and susceptible to using unhealthy escape mechanisms like drugs, pornograpy or affairs to deal with the pressure of the ministry.  Let's face it, pastors and all Christian men and women need holy friends.

Some churches try to organize men's and women's small groups to facilitate these kinds of relationships.  But it's very difficult to program this level of openness and commitment. It almost always happens organically. But you can be intentional about finding and developing this level of relationship.  Here are some suggestions and I'd love for you to share any other ideas. 

1. Take it slow.  Look for friends that you already have and be their "holy friend". Discuss the possibility of a "holy friendship".  Set aside a regular meeting to discuss personal issues. 
2. Keep your discussions confidential. Agree to tell no one, not even your wife, what you disclose in your meetings and honor that covenant. 
3. You be a holy friend and open up first. As you share deeper, this should encourage your friend to open up.  If it is always a one sided discussion, then you probably need to look for another "holy friend". 
4. Focus not on the sin, but on the reason for the sin. Talk about why you feel the need to do what you do.  
5. Set goals and guidelines and ask about them each time you meet.  Be honest and transparent. You can only be held accountable to that which you reveal. 
6. Give permission for your accountability partner to kick your butt when you need a butt-kicking. 
7. Seek progress not perfection.
8. Don't focus totally on the negative. Discuss dreams and aspirations. Affirm and encourage each other. 
9. Keep the circle small. Many find it more beneficial to have three persons meeting for accountability. But the more you add beyond three the more difficult it becomes to have everyone at the meetings consistently. Consistency is critical to success. 

Ferguson and Justified Sin

NY Post photo

A lot has been written and debated this past week over the tragic events in Ferguson, Missouri.  I watched in horror the unbelievable destruction of property and was amazed at how easily people could choose to do evil.  Here are a couple of my observations that I haven't heard or read in all of the discussion.

We all have a natural bent to sin as humans and there is a fragile barrier that keeps a populace from doing evil and living only for themselves.  When the people of a society feel justified or are given a license to do wrong, they will jump over the wall of law and order and act irresponsibly, selfishly and/or criminally. Sin is destructive to oneself, but justified sin goes even deeper because it almost always is perpetrated on someone else. It also brings a sense of righteous indignation and therefore brings about little guilt or remorse. 

When there is a justification to sin in any of society's systems that are created to maintain a safe and productive society, these institutions begin to crumble whether it is the government, an organization, company, or marriage. 

In a marriage, when both the husband and wife slip into justified selfishness, when you begin to justify an affair, your anger, your impatience because your wife or husband is not treating you right, then you can bet that the marriage is on life support. And the same goes for the government.

The two things that keep order in a society are strong moral values that are embedded into a culture or fear and control by the ruling power.  Justified selfishness erodes our moral values and when they deteriorate, then the state has to exercise more fear of punishment on the populace to control them.  So when there is a widespread entitlement to act selfishly, society either slips into anarchy or into a police state.  

My second observation is that people watch and listen and take their clues from their leaders and the power of suggestion can easily motivate people in the wrong direction. We are prone to sin without any prompting, so when those in authority give the impression by an action, inaction, words or even their silence, that it is ok to misbehave, we will jump at the opportunity.

Ferguson is an example but we've seen this before.  College students and young people have done similar acts of destruction when their team wins or loses an important game.  You'll see criminal behavior, breaking into and looting buildings, burning cars, sofas and the like, tearing up property, all in the name of celebrating a win. Who gives them permission to do this?  Where did young people get the idea that it is ok to do evil when their team wins or loses?  Could it be that the leaders of the institution, by their silence, somehow give permission to do this.

Our society's tolerance of sex outside of marriage is another example. Few of our leaders have proclaimed outright that teens should have sex any time they desire but when we pass out free condoms and emphasize safe sex to our teenagers, it sends a message to teens that it is ok as along as you are safe. It may be a subtle message but you can see the power of suggestion and the consequences. We have a whole generation of teens who view casual sex as the norm and as a result we have a huge increase in unwanted pregnancies, teens with STD viruses, abortions and an abundance of single moms.  

• Justified sin is the undoing of all of our basic social institutions.
• People look to their leaders and take their clues from what they say or don't say.  
• When our leaders lie, or abuse power, their followers will feel justified in doing so also.  
• Whether you are leading your family, church, business or country, you have a great responsibility.  Clear communication of what you expect from your followers and embodying the values your organization deems important are the keys to leading well.    

Can you think of a time when something you said, did or failed to say or do gave someone "permission" to do the wrong thing?

A broken society? How does the church respond?

The recent headlines and picture of child and spousal abuse from NFL football players has everyone talking.  The old debate about corporal punishment which has gone on for a few decades has resurfaced.  I find it interesting how a picture can incite us to demand justice or change our behavior when we know that the picture is just the tip of the iceberg. Both incidents actually represent the consequences of much greater ailments in our society, that of broken families, out of wedlock children, and fatherless children.  

What is worse, a father who disciplines his child to the point of abuse or a father who is totally absent from a child's life?  It doesn't make headlines when men abuse their children by abandoning them because we don't see the heart rending pictures of this abuse. Yet, I would think it is far more destructive to our children than over zealous discipline.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if our society would get as upset about the failure of men to be responsible in raising their children and being a good husband and father?  What will it take for us to realize that our society is only as good as the families that are in it?  

Check out this article about the horrible consequences women and children experience as a result of the lack of fathers in families.

How does the church respond to a broken society? For over 4,000 years, our values and standards of right and wrong have been fairly consistent.  And the primary method of instilling those values has been through the family and church or synagogue.  This has led to an orderly, productive and safe society, especially in the western world and the United States. Things are changing faster and more significantly than ever before. We are losing the family and the institution of marriage is on the rocks. The media and our public education system have replaced the family as the instructors of values and morals.

And now there seems to be a deathly silence from the Christian community. Does the church have so little influence anymore that it has become insignificant in shaping our society's values and morals? What do you suggest the Christian response should be?