Mastering The Art Of Living

Exiting the prison yard after a couple of hours spent with 56 inmates in a faith based dorm, I felt energized and had a great sense of accomplishment.  As I entered the small holding pen that separates the free world from the one of captivity, there was an elderly lady who was in a wheelchair with a Bible in her lap.  My pride and sense of accomplishment quickly vanished as I was suddenly brought back to earth, humbled that someone of that age would be serving God in a prison.  

A couple weeks later as I was leaving I once again saw the woman entering the prison.  This time a guitar was in her lap along with the Bible. I introduced myself and told her how impressed I was that she was ministering in the prison.  She explained that she considered herself and her husband missionaries to the prison. She said she was 87 years old and they had been ministering in the prisons for 17 years!
That brings a whole new concept to retirement.  What a contrast to the American idea of retirement, to cease all work, spend all of our savings, relaxing, traveling, having fun and enjoying life.  Even though this couple's idea of life in the "retirement" phase was entirely different, I'd say they were still having fun and enjoying life to the fullest.

Thinking of this couple brings to mind one of my favorite quotes . "The master in the art of living makes little distinction between his work and his play, his labor and his leisure, his mind and his body, his information and his recreation, his love and his religion. He hardly knows which is which. He simply pursues his vision of excellence at whatever he does, leaving others to decide whether he is working or playing. To him he’s always doing both.”  - James A. Michener
Unfortunately, few people get to live on this level, where their work and faith is their passion and play.  We miss out because we compartmentalize our lives into work, play, vacation, worship so much that we fail to realize that a life that has worship at its center of everything we do, will be a life lived to the fullest.  Worship can be our work and play, our labor and leisure, our pursuit of information and love.  When one loves God and lives for Him, and his or her joy is centered around blessing others,  then just like this elderly couple, one will have mastered the art of living!  

Avoiding The Riptides of Life

A few years ago I had the opportunity to return to southern California where I spent my teenage years.  I was attending a ministry conference and our hotel was on the ocean. During a break in the conference, I rented a boogie board and hit the beach to catch some waves.  I swam out about 50 yards from the beach and floated in the swells waiting for just the right wave to take me in.  I hadn't been out for very long when I saw a lifeguard swimming toward me.  When he got within shouting distance, he hollered, "do you know what you are doing?'

I remember looking around to see who he was talking to.  Surely not me.  After all I grew up in southern California. I've been to the beach many times and although I'm not a surfer, I have body surfed many times and used a boogie board from time to time.  

He shouted the question again, do you know what you are doing"?  Now I realized he was directing the question to me.  All I could think to answer was, uh, I guess not.  I couldn't imagine what I was doing wrong just floating on a boogie board waiting to catch a wave. 

The lifeguard drew closer and explained, "you are in a riptide and I need to get you out.  I'm going to throw you this rope, just grab on and I'll pull you out."

I grabbed on and he swam toward the shore pulling me in.  I never knew I was in any danger, even though I had drifted quite a ways away from where I went in.  Later as I thought about the incident, I realized that this was a great illustration of life and a great teaching moment.  

Seldom does one fall quickly into spiritual lethargy, pornography, divorce, financial or emotional bankruptcy.  It's almost always a slow drift without us even knowing that we are in trouble until we start to sink.

To rescue us from the riptides of life, we desperately need a lifeguard, someone close to us that can recognize the trouble we are about to fall prey to.  What if we had that one person, that lifeguard that could speak truth to us when we venture into unsafe waters, that person who would tell us the truth no matter how much it hurts, "do you know what you are doing?!"

Think of the thousands of lives that could have been saved from drug abuse, financial ruin or divorce if the fallen had an accountability partner, coach, counselor or advisor? 

Riptides of life are inevitable, but we don't have to be victims.  

• We all need a lifeguard, a mentor, coach or running partner who we can be brutally honest with.  Better to have one of each.  

• We are accountable only to the areas in which we allow someone to hold us accountable.  Therefore we must be open to advice and actually listen.  We must surrender our pride, humble ourselves enough to allow others to help us and be willing to grab on to the rope when offered.

• We need to be grounded in faith, on the biblical values and standards to know when we are straying.  If we can keep our eye on Jesus as Hebrews 12:2 says, we can survive many of the riptides of life that can destroy us physically, emotionally and spiritually. Spiritual, financial and practical mentors, friends and coaches can help us keep on course, if we allow them access to our lives.  

The Power of Purpose

I've had two close friends and ministry colleagues pass away recently from diseases which they both endured for several years.  Both went through the difficult ordeal of hospitalization and then hospice.  I knew that hospice was usually the place patients went before they died but I didn't fully understand the significance and purpose of hospice.  I learned through my two friends ordeal that the purpose of a hospice is totally different from a hospital.  In a hospital the doctors and nurses naturally do every thing possible to keep patients alive and heal them. However, the purpose of a hospice is NOT to keep the patient alive but to prepare the patient for death and to make their last days as comfortable as possible.  

That purpose dictates what the treatment or lack of treatment is. The caretakers in a hospice will not be constantly monitoring the patient during the day and the middle of the night, waking them up, poking and prodding.  Medication and intravenous tubes are not necessary in a hospice except for that which eases the pain. Everything is done to make the patient's last days as pain free and comfortable as possible. And this is very difficult for a loved one to comprehend because the decision to take their loved one to a hospice is in effect saying that the end of life is very near and we have given up the goal of recovery, in essence pulling the life support from the patient.

It occurred to me that this was one of the most powerful examples of how purpose dictates what we do.  The rooms in a hospice and hospital look much the same but what happens in those rooms is the difference between life and death literally based on the purpose of those rooms.  

It is the same for any organization.  Having a stated purpose determines the actions of the members or the employees.  If there is no stated purpose, no overall vision to guide and direct the employees or members to pursue, then each person is left to discern what that purpose is and the actions and decisions can be considerably different from those which the organization desires.  When the employees embody the company's mission then every move is filtered through that stated purpose.

How we view our personal purpose in life also makes all the difference in the world how we live our lives.  Do I live for self or to a higher calling?  For both my friends, Steve Stoner and Teresa Devlin, their legacy is great and long lasting because their purpose in life was to live for Christ.   Many of your decisions will be drastically affected even to the point of life or death because of your purpose.  That is why it is so important to live for a purpose in life that is more than just living for self. And equally important is to teach your children to do so also.  It doesn't happen naturally.  You must intentionally work so that your purpose becomes integrated into your life, family, company and church. 

Do you have a personal mission or purpose statement?
Does my purpose reflect my relationship with Jesus Christ?
Can you quote a life verse from the Bible that guides your life?

Does your family have a mission statement?  Can your children quote it?  What do you do to instill that purpose into their lives?  Into your church or business?

Is the life you are living worth the price you are paying?

If we could step back and take a good look at our habits and lifestyle we would have to say the price I'm paying isn't worth it.  It is ironic that often the life we believe God has called us to live is actually the stumbling block that keeps us from being what Christ called us to be.   

The writer of Hebrews encouraged us to remove anything that hinders us or causes us to stumble in our spiritual life.  Yet, it's hard to eliminate the trip wires when we are not even aware of them. Two of the most critical stumbling blocks that pastors seem oblivious to, are the way we eat and the amount of sleep and rest we get.  

This was brought to my attention recently when I heard that one of the church planters I coach had recently been bed-ridden for a month with depression.  I called him "super pastor" because he worked three jobs and was planting a church! I didn't realize how it was affecting his mental and physical health.   At the same time another pastor I coach confided that he was having difficulty with depression and anxiety.  As he described his lifestyle I realized he was a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.  He was the text book of what not to do.  And he is not alone in his struggles.    

Church planting and pastoring is hard enough, emotionally and spiritually on the healthiest individual. When you add in our unhealthy lifestyle, you create a breeding ground for burnout, heart attacks, and all sorts of emotional and physical illness.  In the book The Way We're Working Isn't Working, the authors, consultants to major companies that help management get the best from their employees, target these two areas, the sleeping and eating habits of the managers and workers.

We hear much about healthy eating but little is mentioned about sleep depravation. Yet, no single behavior, more fundamentally influences our effectiveness in the waking life than sleep. Recent medical studies indicate that to be effective during the day, you should average between 7 - 9 hours of sleep a night.  The average for most upper level leaders, managers, and pastors is six or fewer hours of sleep a night. The Way We're Working Isn't Working cited studies that show failure to get at least 7 hours of sleep a night causes us to:

• Be less efficient at work and more dangerous behind the wheel of a car.   
• Be less able to respond creatively to problems and opportunities, to be less original, flexible and divergent in our thinking and thus less likely to generate new ideas. 
• Undermine the quality of our lives and make us more vulnerable to illness. Our immune response drops significantly among people who sleep less than seven hours a night.  A study of 80,000 nurses over 25 years found that there was an increased risk of breast cancer, colon cancer and coronary heart disease for those who did not get the average seven hours a sleep a night.   

Yet most pastors wear lack of sleep as a badge of honor.  They push themselves without realizing the consequences of their work habits and driven lifestyle will only hurt their ministry, family and congregation in the long run. Here are some suggestions that might help avoid these pitfalls.  

• Honestly examine your life, schedule and sleeping habits.  In surveys, workers said they average close to 7 hours of sleep a night and yet when their life was examined they discovered that they were actually getting less than six hours of sleep.
• Make it a priority to go to bed at a reasonable time. Your body needs at least 7 hours to recuperate from the previous day.  
• Take short power naps in the afternoon.  They are very good for your health and for your production in the afternoon and evening.  
• Take vacations and spiritual retreats.  These are critical for the physical, emotional and spiritual health for all of us, especially pastors who often fail to take time away from church. 
• Avoid setting an unreasonable work schedule for yourself and your staff that lays the foundation for unhealthy expectations from your congregation. 
• Recruit an elder or spiritual coach to hold you accountable for your rest and healthy schedule.
• Get time management help from a coach or mentor.Several pastors I have coached said that they just have a difficult time getting everything done.  Yet when we examined their schedule, we discovered plenty of activities that were unnecessary.  Get rid of the stumbling blocks that keep you from getting the sleep you need! Eliminate distractions and manage your time better.  Choose to do things only you can do.  Delegate the rest.   

Change One Word, Change Your Life

If you have done much counseling or coaching you've probably discovered that a good percentage of the problems revolve around communication or the lack of, and conflict resolution. Many find that in communicating we have a tendency to create conflict and then have difficulty resolving it once it starts.  Often this is because of how we approach conversations with others.   

Recently, my wife confided in me that one of the things that she wished I change was how I responded to her ideas.  She explained that I almost always responded negatively immediately to any suggestion she made.  She suggested that it would be much better if I responded in a positive, encouraging way even if I didn't think it was a good idea.  She would start a conversation with an idea and I would immediately throw it into a contentious discourse if she were to continue it.  She could verbally spar by arguing her case or end the conversation there.  So most times she discontinued the conversation.

As I thought about her request, I realized that getting it "right" was the most important thing for me.   So it was natural for me to respond by telling her what I thought about her idea.  I was not in the least thinking about how she felt.  My problem was my focus on the task over the relationship.  I imagine men in general, especially pastors struggle with this in their marriage and with their congregation and staff.  Do I hear any amens?  We are quick to make judgements, and have confidence that we can discern what is right or wrong.  Confrontation is often invigorating.  We've been taught to debate and feel the rush of a good exchange of ideas or opinions.  This personality helped mature our faith and understanding of the Gospel and the prophet in us is surely a strength in preaching and arguing in a theology class.  However, when it comes to relationships, the constant conflict can be a detriment.  Over time, it can damage a marriage, destroy relationships and hinder a pastor's ability to lead effectively.  One easy way to start to change is eliminating the use of "but".

I've found that the person with the confrontational or task oriented personality has the tendency to start a sentence with "but" or a negative and then proceed to share an opposing opinion or idea. Even coaching them is problematic because any suggestion or comment I offer is met with a "but" or "yes, but"...

One way to overcome the "but" mindset and help reduce conflict is to exchange the word "but" for "and" in your conversations.  It is a simple solution that can work wonders.  To show you the difference between "and" vs "but" dialogues, try this exercise.  Have a conversation with another person about a topic. Each person takes an opposing view, trying to convince the other that his or her view is correct. Each person takes turns making a statement for his or her case and starts the sentence with "but".  For example, "I like to vacation in the mountains".  The next person's statement would start with "but".  "But, I like to vacation at the beach."  "But, the mountains are so refreshingly cool."  "But, the beach is so relaxing and warm"

After five or six exchanges, try the same conversation only starting each statement with "and" instead of "but".  "And, I like to vacation at the beach."  "And, I enjoy the cool weather".  "And I like the hot sun".  Notice how the whole tone of the conversation changes from a competitive nature to one that is more informational and much less confrontational.  Instead of conflict, you look to find what you have in common, the positive.  Even when you are exchanging a differing opinion the conversation can be positive.

I recently coached a pastor who had a confrontational personality.  He admitted that he was a "contrarian" by nature and struggled with giving encouragement. He certainly had a "but" mindset.  The staff would tell me that their pastor seldom agreed with any statement, almost always challenging any suggestion, ministry idea or opinion.  If you mentioned that you liked a certain book, he would usually share something that he didn't like about it.  Planning sessions were long and often left the staff feeling confused, deflated and defeated.  Members of the staff complained that they had a hard time brainstorming ideas with him because almost all ideas were criticized from the start.  When they finally agreed, "it was like we had been through a battle".  After talking with the pastor, I realized that his objective was to help the person or team get it "right", and he always considered his opinion or idea the "right" one.  Therefore he always evaluated each statement and looked for the flaws or the negative.  He had no thought of the impact of the process on individuals or the staff as a whole. Building them up was not his goal, it was to get it right.

It is ironic that his laser focus on getting it right actually hurt the team's ability to get it right.  Without the encouragement, team members were less likely to give ideas and input, afraid of having their ideas shot down.  If the pastor would simply acknowledge each person's idea with a positive, "yeah, that is a good or interesting idea, then use the word "and" instead of "but", it would change the whole dynamic of the conversation. It is possible to be both encouraging and informational (1 Peter 3:15).  We are called to the ministry of reconciliation and it is hard to reconcile with someone when we are in conflict.  (2 Cor. 5:18)

• If you are of a "but" mindset, begin with being honest with yourself and realize that you have that personality and commit to being more intentional about encouraging others. 

• Find the person that can help you change the way you communicate, hold you accountable and remind you when you use the word "but" or start off in the negative.

• As you become aware of how often you use the word, begin to exchange "but" with "and".  The object is to help you begin to add the relational grace to your conversations.  Remember, it's not always about being "right" but about being the most effective for Christ. 

What Do A Funeral and Olympic Ceremony Have In Common?

Not much.  Actually, both were celebrations, one of a life and the other, an event.  But I cannot remember ever sitting through two more contrasting versions of life as I experienced this past Sunday within hours of each other.

The first celebration was the funeral of my good friend and colleague, Steve Stoner.  He was taken to heaven after a long bout with cancer and his funeral was definitely an experience that touched me beyond words.  Steve had time before he passed away to write his own funeral and the message was very clear.  It was all about Jesus.  There was a beautiful flower arrangement at the center of the pulpit saying TO KNOW HIM, TO MAKE HIM KNOWN.  The whole service was about that from the songs to the testimonies of friends, to Steve's own story which he had written and requested that it be read by his son, Tim.   There were 400 + who came to give honor and celebrate the life of a man who had impacted their own lives.  

Steve lived from his purpose: to know God, and to mlake Him known. He lived so that others would know the power of Christ not only to save lives but to also make a life infinitely more fullfilling and joyful because he had experienced such a transformation in his own life.  Almost every person I talked with afterward expressed what an impact Steve had made on their life.  The funeral was truly a celebration of a life lived well, that influenced literally hundreds of people. I went home with a lot of emotions, certainly a sadness for a friend that I'll miss dearly, but also a feeling of awe of the influence that Jesus Christ can have through the life of one individual.  

As I got home that night I turned the television on to watch the closing ceremony of the 2012 Olympics, which I had taped.  I was stunned as I watched a spectacle that was literally beyond words. The production was bizarre to say the least. I felt as if I was watching some scene from a movie about life on another planet. Some of it I couldn't watch and just fast forwarded past it. At one time when the whole stadium was turned to a crimson red, the floor of the stadium was filled with fire, and actors were dressed in various shades of red, I told my wife that this looked like what I envisioned hell to be.  When it was done, I had a totally different feeling than what I had experienced just a few hours earlier. I was confused and saddened because this stunning display of lights, colors and sounds didn't make much sense. If there was a theme it seemed to be about self and a secular world of odd sorts.  I couldn't remember seeing or hearing one thing about spirituality, faith or Christianity in either the opening ceremonies or the closing.  And the opening ceremony centered around British history and life.  Surely Christian faith played as strong a role in forming their society as anything else, but not a mention.

Was the closing indicative of a society without God?  Was this one man's (the producer) worldview, or is it a closer representation of the real world than I ever thought possible? Has culture changed and passed me by this fast?  

As I thought about the contrast between the ceremony and the funeral, I thought about Deuteronomy 30:19  This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Choose life.

I imagined God laying the two before me.  You can choose either a life lived in pursuit of pleasure and all the world has to offer or a life lived like Steve Stoner, a man who lived for God and others.  It's not much of a choice for me.  I pray that I would always choose life!  

Did you see the Olympics?  What were your thoughts about it?

Finishing Well

I've had a couple of days to reflect on the life of my great friend Steve Stoner who battled throat cancer for three years until last Wednesday when God called him home.  I am not surprised but I must admit that I didn't fully realize the impact that his ministry had on so many people. Those on Facebook get to see, even though just the tip of the iceberg, his ministry and personal impact with so many commenting about how important he was to their spiritual growth. It is ironic that neither Steve or Peggy do Facebook. 

I could go on and on about Steve's ministry but at the moment, what has moved me the most about Steve in these last few months was how well he finished the race.  Watching the Olympics, you get a good appreciation of how important it is to finish strong, often the difference between gold and silver or medaling or not.  And the Apostle Paul used that metaphor of running the race to encourage us to preserver to the end as in 2 Timothy 4:7, I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.  And Acts 20:24. But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God.  

Steve, in the midst of the most difficult trial that one will ever face, finished extremely well.  Even in his last few hours, Steve continued to think more about others than himself.  As people poured in to visit him in his last days, even as he was in and out of consciousness, Steve often would recognize the visitor and ask them about their life, job or ministry. 

He was always positive, never complained and remained the rock of man we always knew.  One tender moment I'll remember near the end, as Peggy nursed him, he slowly lifted his arm around her neck and pulled her close up to his cheek and whispered, "I love you".  I can honestly say that Steve embodied the characteristics of the Holy Spirit, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control, as well as anybody I've ever known, all the way to the finish line!  And I know as he crossed the finish line of this life and entered into that glorious next adventure he was greeted with a "well done, good and faithful servant"!