This Church Failure Drives Me Crazy

"I'm discouraged," says the 28 year old single woman, answering my inquiry about her attempt to become involved in church. "Discouraged? How so," I asked. We had been discussing her return to the church for the past few weeks. Myra works for a company that I serve as chaplain.  She had grown up Catholic but had not gone regularly to church in several years. She began to feel a need to start going to church regularly and a friend recently had invited her to a non-denominational church which she said she really enjoyed. This was a contemporary church that seemed to focus on living your faith in the real world. 

Myra had told me a few weeks ago that she had made up her mind to give this church a shot and started going weekly. Myra even signed up to be in a small group and she also signed up to help out in the children's ministry and to sing on their praise team. She was really excited about this opportunity and the impact it would have on her life.  Yet on this day Myra explained that she was discouraged because a month had passed and she had not heard anything from the church.  She said she wasn't going to let this affect her faith but admitted she was discouraged so much that she just didn't go to church this past Sunday.

Hearing this broke my heart. This is an epic failure for a church. The church Myra is attempting to become involved in is a multi-site of a large church that I know has systems to help assimilate newcomers.  Yet, here is an example of a professional, attractive young single adult who is searching and wanting to become involved in the church, knowing that this step is crucial for her faith and spiritual development.  And the church somehow drops the ball at the crucial point in this young woman's life.  

I don't know the details of this church's process so I don't know the reason for their inability to follow up with Myra. Maybe their process failed or the person who is in charge of newcomer assimilation didn't do her job.  Perhaps it is because Myra is single and the church just does not have much for single adults.  Myra said there seemed to be a lot of things for families but she didn't notice anything special for single adults.  Whatever the reason, if a church doesn't respond when the iron is hot so to speak, they have a good chance of missing out altogether on the opportunity to help this one person know Christ and change her life. I can't think of another thing a church can do that is more important.

Myra is a typical millennial. She is single like a majority of the millennial generation. I've seen many blogs and heard sermons about the urgent need to reach the millenials if the church is to succeed in the future.  Could it be that the reason the church is not reaching them is that they are neglecting the largest group of millennials, the unmarried adult?  In a past blog I wrote about what it takes to reach the 20 something generation, not just young families with children which is important, but also the single twenty something adult.  

But, unless there are ministries in place that a young single can plug into, and a process that helps him or her connect, a church will just not reach them.  

Remember, the millennial generation may be different than the previous in many ways but each one of them is similar to most people in that they: 

• Want to be valued
• Want to be challenged
• Want to be used
• Want to be mentored 
• Want community
• Want to make a difference

How is your church reaching them and incorporating them into your church?  I'd like to hear from you.  

Can A Man Love Two Women At The Same Time?

My wife and I find the Bachelor television show very interesting, watching how the relationships develop and seeing all the drama over those three simple words, "I love you". This year's version has generated a lot of buzz, "Ben, how could you tell two women that you love them?  What were you thinking"?  My wife explained to me that you cannot love two women at one time. She said, "if you think you do, then you really do not love either one".  I argued that you can be "in love" with more than one person but it's all in how you define "love".  

The reason I think there is so much fuss and fret about saying "I love you" and anticipating those words from the person we care for is because we believe that in saying those three words there comes a level of commitment, or expectation beyond just a sexual feeling. And where it gets even more confusing is that "I love you" seldom means the same thing to the one saying and the one receiving. You can bet the ladies who heard "I love you" from Ben are thinking commitment, something more than a sexual attraction.  They are thinking "I love you" means that Ben is going to choose me as his mate for life, when in reality Ben may be just expressing a feeling, because he cannot make a long term commitment to two women.  

A wise friend told me that when it comes to declarations like "I love you", we should always attach "today" to the end of it, when receiving it. "I love you, today!" Because tomorrow, next month or next year, those feelings may change. Yet, when we hear those words we assume they mean forever. But feeling based statements are dynamic and can change by the minute, mood, or circumstance. 

So the reason we have difficulty with the phrase "I love you" is because the word "love" in our English language means so many things. I can love my car, my dog and my wife. But love in each of these cases means different things.  In the Greek, there are several words used to describe love. Eros is a love based on feelings, a sexual attraction. We get our word erotic from eros.  Philos is the Greek word that describes more of a friendship, a love between two people who have common interests or a fondness for a brother or sister. Philadelphia come from this word, the city of brotherly love.  Agape is another word for love in the Greek that describes a love that is unconditional, sacrificial and permanent. In a good marriage, a husband and wife will give and receive all three of these types of love.  

Agape is used in the Bible to describe God's love. As we love others as God loved us, only then can we be assured of a love that is not based on only feelings and emotions, but based on action, sacrifice, commitment and permanence. Isn't this what we desire from our mate, what we hear them saying when they whisper "I love you"?  

So I believe Ben was saying "I eros" you to both women, but they were hearing, "I agape you". He let his emotions do the talking and now he will have to break one woman's heart. Or perhaps both. The question now is what did the ladies mean when they said "I love you" to Ben?   Oh this is so confusing. So glad I'm married and not in Ben's shoes.

You can find more about choosing a mate for life here

Surviving Your First Mutiny

Most every church planter goes through difficult periods, times when the planter is tested to their limits.  One of those times in the first year or two of a church plant is when the planter loses some of his key leaders or core team members. During one of our Missional Association gathering of church planters, one thing on which they all agreed was that most of the initial core team would not be around to see the church they helped start, flourish. Yet, knowing this and being forewarned does not lessen the hurt and disappointment when a key person leaves your church.

   

One of our church planters shared how his best friend who had been working with him for over a year to get their church off the ground decided to leave to go to another church. This pastor was thinking if I can't even keep my best friend from abandoning me, how am I going to grow a church?  Yet, the next Sunday people were saved and life and the church went on without him.

Another pastor told how most of his entire leadership team including band members and their financial person decided to leave en masse. He found out that one disgruntled leader had influenced the team to mutiny.  One month later the team had been replaced and the church was growing faster than it had ever grown. This church planter remarked that the mutiny was actually a blessing for the church and that a couple of the leaders who left may have been an obstruction to growth.

So don't be surprised when a key leader or leaders whom you have recruited to help you start the church decide to move on. There could be any number of reasons and most have nothing to do with the church planter/pastor or their leadership.  Many people who have that apostolic gifting love starting things and once they get the church going, they feel their job is accomplished. For many others, their expectations of what the church will be are never realized. And when that hits them, they decide to search elsewhere. But whatever the reason, don't be surprised when it happens. How you handle that first mutiny will often determine whether your church makes it. Pastors can become so discouraged that they lose their passion and will to continue. But if you can hang in there, learn from the experience and continue to reach people, you and the church will be better off after the mutiny.  

Three things to consider about your initial leadership team. 

1) Think of your initial core team as the scaffolding for the church. They help build the foundation but they are usually not part of that foundation, the long-term pillars that your church builds upon. They are there for a season and you should appreciate them for their role in starting the church. Anyone who continues past the first couple of years is icing on the cake. 

2) The Second generation of leaders are usually much more consistent than the first. They are usually recruited from within the new church body instead of from outside of your church. These may be new believers or seekers so they have fewer expectations of what church should be and are usually more loyal to the mission of the church and the pastor's vision. 

3)  All growing things need pruning. You will need to prune away people who could actually be holding the growth or hindering the development of others in your church. When we hold onto everyone, we can stifle the growth of the church.

Your vision for the church and your expectations for the church members go a long way in how you personally react to people who leave your church. If you are concerned with your seating capacity instead of your sending capacity in the church you are pastoring, you will probably be distraught over any leader or influential family that says goodbye. But if your mindset is to disciple and send, then you as a pastor can actually celebrate the family that leaves as your missionaries to another location. These people are as much a part of your legacy as those who remain in your church! If your church has done a good job in discipling the family, you can be confident that their ministry and the things they learned will be passed on to their next church and circle of influence. 

An Incredibly Powerful and Important Message For Our Time

If there was ever a message that is needed for every person in our nation, this is it.  It doesn't come from a politician running for president or a pastor or Pope.  It comes ironically from a basketball coach!  Monty Williams speaks from the heart at the funeral of his wife who was killed when a driver  crossed over the medium and collided head on of the car his wife, Ingrid Williams was driving. Williams' eulogy has been called "inspirational".  But it goes way beyond inspiration. With all the political and racial unrest in this country, Monty Williams' eulogy is the Gospel and one message that could somehow heal every person and bring this nation together, if only people would watch it and take it to heart.  Please watch the message, (7 minutes) and believe it!  Act on it!  Live it!

Take the Grace Gondola! Life lived in grace!

Viewing some Facebook pictures of friends on the ski slopes today, I began reminiscing about the many times I went on ski trips and how much I enjoyed flying down the mountain. Then suddenly a thought occurred to me about how much skiing down a mountain is so similar to the Christian life lived in grace. There is such a great sense of excitement, joy, peace and freedom on those slopes, much like a life lived in Christ. Unfortunately, I've run across so many non-believers and even Christians who miss out on that kind of life in Christ because they live by works instead of experiencing God's grace and living from that grace.  

Snow skiing provides a great visual picture of the difference between living by works versus living from grace. Use your imagination.  Picture a mountain with a ski slope. To experience the joy of skiing, obviously one must get to the top of the slope.  There are two ways to get to the summit, one is by the ski lift and the other is to climb up on your own.  The lift has been built and paid for by one so that you can get to the summit.

I remember taking my first ski lesson and having to traverse up the hill several times with skis on as part of the learning process and how exhausting it was.  When we finally got to go up the slope on the ski lift, I thought, wow this is great! Why didn't we do this from the start?  That is much like my Christian life also.  I grew up in a Christian home but my early life as a believer was spent trying to earn my favor with God.  I didn't realize that the cost had been paid for already and that I didn't need to and couldn't earn my way to heaven or God's approval. Once I learned to live from God's grace, life became so much easier and more joyful.  

In this spiritual analogy to skiing, everyone has two choices to get to the mountain top. You may choose the way of grace, the ski lift, to get to the summit or you can choose to climb up on your own. On your own is not only very exhausting, it is impossible because there is a canyon that prevents anyone from reaching the top on their own (sin).  God says I have paid the price for you to get to the summit with my life, believe in me, take my way, the ski lift.  Yet, how crazy is it that people choose to follow other religions which give out all kinds of instructions on how to make the climb yourself or try to tell you how to make it with this expert guide even though it is impossible to make the climb on your own. 

Salvation by grace is the foundation of the Christian faith and is what separates Christianity from all other religions (Ephesians 2:8-9). We know that non-believers stumble over grace and that becomes their greatest barrier to an abundant relationship with Christ.  And yet we see believers often fall into the same trap. Once having received grace, suddenly they try to live by works. They will twist scripture and add their own rules and codes of conduct just as the Jewish religious leaders did. And once you fall into that trap, you begin to feel the weight of living under the law and life feels like walking up the side of a mountain with skies on.  The Apostle Paul admonished the Galatian believers to live by grace. "How foolish can you be? After starting your Christian lives in the Spirit, why are you now trying to become perfect by your own human effort?", Gal 3:3. 

When we reach the summit on God's grace (riding in the gondola), now we get to live by grace through His power and spirit. It's like the joy of skiing the slopes instead of constantly having to climb up and down the mountain. I am free to live my life in Him, for His purpose, to love God and to love and serve others with joy.  I fly down the mountain joyfully with a new purpose propelled by the spirit. Yes there are markers and warning signs along the way, boundaries in which I am to stay within. But the slopes are wide and well defined. I have no burden of the law to carry with me so my way is swift, light and exhilarating as I encourage those who are laboring up the mountain, to accept God's grace, to get on the grace gondola and to fly down the slopes of grace as well. 

Why live like so many Christians who have taken the gondola up the mountain only to refuse to ski down, opting instead to walk. Why would anyone want to settle for a life of climbing up and down when God has provided a way that is so peaceful, joyful and free?  Choose God's grace! John 10:10 "I came that they may have life, and may have it abundantly." John 8:36,  "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed!"

Live in grace and by grace!

Photos courtesy of Pixabay.com

One Great Hindrance To Spiritual And Emotional Health

At our recent Missional Association lunch our church planters were discussing the critical need for pastors to have friends who will hold them accountable.  A fellow pastor shared how he was meeting regularly with a small group of fellow pastors they called "holy friends". This group's definition of a holy friend was really poignant. 

"A Holy friend is someone who challenges the sins we've grown to love, affirms the gifts we're afraid to claim and helps us dream the dreams we could not otherwise dream."

Wouldn't it be great if we all had a friend or group of friends that would do this!  How much healthier would we all be?

I believe the lack of "holy friends" in a Christian's life is one of the greatest hindrances to a spiritually and emotionally vibrant life. Men tend to have this void more than women. Men usually form friendships based on activities. Our conversations usually consist of sports, politics, family and sometimes religion. But seldom do men get to a level below the surface conversations. I admit it is very difficult to share your weaknesses and failures to another. And yet we all need a friend or friends with whom we can declare our aspirations, disclose where we struggle and divulge our fears. We all need "holy friends". "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another" Prov. 27:17. To be spiritually mature we need comrades with whom we can be real and honest, guys we can trust, who will pray for us, who won't condemn or gossip but lift us up and encourage us to be more like Christ. 

The Bible emphasizes how critical relationships are to each member of the body of Christ. The term "one another" is only one word in Greek and is used 100 times in 94 New Testament verses. Galatians 6:2 counsels us to bear one another's burdens. Ephesians 4:25 admonishes us to speak truth to one another.  Colossians 3:9 instructs not to lie to one another and 1 Thessalonians 5:11 exhorts us to encourage and build up one another.  James 5:16 exhorts us to pray for one another.  Spiritual maturity is best achieved through relationships.

Pastors have a unique dilemma in this regard because they find opening their life up to church members a dangerous proposition. Unless a pastor has close friends outside of his church or a group of fellow pastors he meets with, he can find himself all alone and susceptible to using unhealthy escape mechanisms like drugs, pornograpy or affairs to deal with the pressure of the ministry.  Let's face it, pastors and all Christian men and women need holy friends.

Some churches try to organize men's and women's small groups to facilitate these kinds of relationships.  But it's very difficult to program this level of openness and commitment. It almost always happens organically. But you can be intentional about finding and developing this level of relationship.  Here are some suggestions and I'd love for you to share any other ideas. 

1. Take it slow.  Look for friends that you already have and be their "holy friend". Discuss the possibility of a "holy friendship".  Set aside a regular meeting to discuss personal issues. 
2. Keep your discussions confidential. Agree to tell no one, not even your wife, what you disclose in your meetings and honor that covenant. 
3. You be a holy friend and open up first. As you share deeper, this should encourage your friend to open up.  If it is always a one sided discussion, then you probably need to look for another "holy friend". 
4. Focus not on the sin, but on the reason for the sin. Talk about why you feel the need to do what you do.  
5. Set goals and guidelines and ask about them each time you meet.  Be honest and transparent. You can only be held accountable to that which you reveal. 
6. Give permission for your accountability partner to kick your butt when you need a butt-kicking. 
7. Seek progress not perfection.
8. Don't focus totally on the negative. Discuss dreams and aspirations. Affirm and encourage each other. 
9. Keep the circle small. Many find it more beneficial to have three persons meeting for accountability. But the more you add beyond three the more difficult it becomes to have everyone at the meetings consistently. Consistency is critical to success. 

Thank God you didn't win the lottery!

I didn't win the lottery, but I confess I didn't even buy a ticket. I guess I'm a party-pooper cause it seems every one of my friends played the lottery.  I must admit there is a great temptation to buy that lottery ticket, especially when everyone you know is talking about how they are going to win, almost giddy with anticipation, waiting to hear their numbers called. And I have heard many of my Christian friends describe what they will do with the money when they win. They really believe that God is going to facilitate their winning and they all say they intend to give a lot of it away.

So, I do feel left out of being part of the experience. This may be the only reason I would consider buying a ticket. But I never have and there is really one big reason I don't play - I don't want to waste my money on something that would absolutely destroy my life. Yes, you heard me, if I won, the money would change my life, but only for the worse.  It doesn't matter if the pot is 2 million or 40 million, winning would ruin me. (This is another thing that perplexes me. Why is it when the pot reaches an enormous amount do people decide to join in.  It's as if 25 million is not enough, but when it reaches 40 million then I think I'll play.)  So I figure for me, there are only two scenarios that could happen if I buy a ticket.
1. I don't win, so I've just thrown my money away.
2. I win and destroy my life.

I've talked to a lot of Christians about the lottery and most think I'm being a killjoy. But here is why I say winning the lottery would ruin my life and probably your's also.
1) I know that I am not prepared to be a multi millionaire and very few of us are. The burden of even giving all that money away, not to mention investing and spending it wisely would crush me. Most people who win, lose their friends, destroy their marriage and end up miserable because they can't handle all that comes with being very wealthy. That life of a rich person from down here looks wonderful, but in reality, it is nothing like what we think.

If you earn your money by hard work, you have a better chance of managing the money and its affect on your life because you have acquired it over time and adjusted over time. That won't exempt you from the negative affects of having an excess of money. But when you acquire it all at once, you have little to no preparation, mentally, spiritually or financially to deal with all of the change. If you think you have stress in your life now, you can't imagine the weight and worry you'll suddenly experience if you come into millions of dollars. You may think you can handle it, but that is almost as big a fantasy as winning the lottery. 

2) I believe the Bible and Jesus.  The truth is as Jesus says, money and wealth can turn your heart away from God. Get rich quick Schemes will lead us away from trusting God as the real source of our financial security.  In other words, the more money you accumulate, the harder it is to trust in almighty God and the easier it is to trust in the almighty dollar.  

Matthew 6:24 ; 

 No one can serve two masters. He will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other.  You cannot serve both God and money.

1 Timothy 6:10;

“Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.”
Hebrews 13:5

“Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.””

These are wise words to consider for all of us, whether we play the lottery or not. Never think money will be the answer to your problems. None of us are exempt, especially if all of a sudden you go from earning a modest income to having millions.  And when it comes to the lottery, if you believe that you are going to win and believe you could handle the large payout if you should actually win, you are living in a make-believe world. 
Or think of it this way. We have already won a lottery so to speak just by living in this country and this time period. I am rich by world's standards and I have a hard enough time devoting myself to God as it is without having millions more to deal with.    

So when you feel the urge to spend that one dollar, or one hundred dollar bill, on a chance to ruin your life, think again. And be thankful to God!  Not playing or not winning may just have saved your life. 

John Piper has more on why not to play the lottery here.